Turkey, cranberry dressing, sweet potato pie and the annual family argument

“If you think you’re enlightened, go visit your family.”  This sardonic quip from spirituality guru Ram Dass is particularly apt when the holidays arrive, and our family reunions create childhood scenarios that play out once again.  All of us can point to a family member who challenges us with a never ending tug of war between love and anger.

It can happen before the turkey is out of the oven, when suddenly, without warning, your relative takes offence at some innocuous reference or inadvertent remark that triggers a slight from years ago.  In an instant, the Pavlov bell rings and the both of you unconsciously revert to the roles formerly played as part of the family dynamic.

A difficult concept for many family members to grasp is the importance of setting boundaries around relationships.  My clients often tell me how their loved ones think of a boundary as a wall or fence that separates them and keeps them from their desire to be close.  Which is not the case; by being direct about the boundaries of our relationships with parents, siblings and children we let them know how much we are willing to give; how close or distant we want to be and what they can expect from us.  Simply stated, there will be times when one person is in a different place than the other, and one’s happiness should not be dependent upon another’s.  And while it may sound harsh, how the other person deals with that is his or her issue.

A tricky part comes when family members unconsciously attempt to pull us back into the relationship patterns and roles that were in play during our childhood years. But it’s essential for our own well-being and our family’s as well, to separate ourselves and express our individuality.  We do not have to feel guilty about creating a life for ourselves.

Detachment can be confused with indifference but disengaging behind a boundary doesn’t mean we don’t care.  It is recognition that we do not wish to be put in a place where we are being forced to respond as a co-dependent, ceding our wellbeing to oblige an outcome we do not want.

Difficulty in learning how to set healthy boundaries within the family structure will persist but fortunately it is a skill that can be learned.  It is about loving ourselves and understanding that self-care is not being selfish.

Celebrating a birthday in the upper quadrant

The wishes I make after blowing out the candles are profoundly different now that I’m years beyond decorating the birthday cake with one candle for each year.  It’s not that I no longer want things — sure a new couch would liven up the living room and it’s about time we had a new air fryer – but I have learned that true, lasting happiness is not contingent on material bounty.  (How many people do you know who are surrounded with all the material comforts of life, yet still are unhappy!)?

The well-intended birthday ritual of “making a wish” is fun and fanciful, so I close my eyes and conjure up a wish list of the obvious: good health, a loving family, a happy life.  It is a happy occasion so there is no mention of the layers of emotional, physical and spiritual challenges that must be confronted to make the wishes come true.  After the dishes are washed and the decorations are put away, reality will return soon enough.

Wishful thinking aside, I have learned over the years that I am responsible for my own happiness.  There is no getting around it.  When the birthday party is over, I open the gift I give to myself, a reminder that everything I need, I already have within me.  The flame burning on the altar when I sit in meditation is not a colorful birthday candle, it represents the light that glows in my heart center, guiding me past my ego self, connecting me to the higher self.

I’m not against wishing and hoping, but without accompanying initiative it is meaningless.  Transformation does not arrive overnight. There is work to be done along the way.  Healing requires an in-depth look at what your life is about, what is the purpose and meaning of your existence and how you can more fully express who you are in this lifetime.  Initially, my clients look to therapy to find answers for their problems. My goal is to travel with them beyond the immediate, and to guide them with compassion and respect to take responsibility for their own healing.  

I am at an age where I experience life fully by living in the present moment.  My wish is to successfully follow the instructions of India’s living saint, Shree Maa: “Thinking too much about the future is of little value.  Always try to make the present filled with beauty.”

(Disclaimer with a wistful laugh: I am only human, as all of us are, and try is the operative word.)

Cleveland, glorious Cleveland!

“Where are you off to this summer, Barcelona… Paris… back to New Zealand,” my friend asks.

I mumble an inaudible reply, “Cleeveelaannd, Oohiooo.”

“Wow, you’re going to Cairo.” How exciting.

“No, not Cairo.  Ohio.  We’re going to Cleveland.”

“Cleveland!  What on earth for?”

I sheepishly explain that Howard has the Rock ‘n Roll Hall of Fame on his bucket list and going to Cleveland has been a standing joke in the household for so long that we decided to actually go.

And so we did.  And Cleveland was a revelation!  All the facilities and cultural venues of a major, world class metropolis in a city smaller in population than a weekend’s attendance at a Lollapalooza weekend.

The professional sports arenas – major league baseball, football and basketball – put Chicago’s sites to shame; ditto the subway and citywide bus network that were clean and efficient. Not only was the art museum first rate, it was free!  Of course the music showcase was the main draw, and it was captivating, the audio and video displays and concert areas like a hug from Elvis. We had a gastronomical odyssey in between stops, as well, playing Michelin critic at brew pubs and restaurants in the West Side Market to Little Italy to the Playhouse Square neighborhoods.

But what is more important than the shout out to Cleveland, is the lesson that the visit reinforced.

It reminded me not to pre-judge, not to pack pre-conceived notions into the overnight bag.  Rather, to be in the present, with an open mind, observing and enjoying life as it unfolds.

Forming ideas and opinions in advance often obscure a person’s view of things as they really are, because what we look for and what we see are only the things that validate our existing mindset!  We miss so much as a result.

Lost opportunities because of preconceived notions are more regrettable when they involve relationships, as in the old chestnut, ‘you can’t judge a book by its cover.’   Judgements made with a jaundiced eye prevent us from seeing persons in their true light, the good within them never seen.

What can be even more damaging on a personal level, are preconceptions about one’s destiny to succeed, or fail.  How you think, is who you are, and if you believe that opportunities for success are reserved for ‘pre-selected’ favorites, and because of your background are not accessible to you, that is your self-fulfilling prophesy.

Circling back to the Cleveland travelogue, when Howard and I travel we never get lost!  We simply look at each other and laugh and conclude we simply don’t know where we are, leaving us open to discover the astonishment that waits for us around the next corner… like the Frank Gehry architectural marvel that came into view as we wandered off the grounds of the botanical gardens and turned the corner on to the Case Western Reserve University campus!

Stay the course. Keep your heart open.

Stunned by the daily headlines, listening to the dirge that passes as the nightly news, watching the world being destroyed by mad men and an angry mother nature… how do we find love and light in an increasingly distraught world?

It has been the topic of passionate conversation between my husband and me, both of us having written essays about the quest for clarity to help us find balance and calmness as we face the future.  Here are some of the conclusions we found helpful.

First, focus on the life-occurrences you can control, using the word in its narrowest context, i.e., when the power to decide a happenstance is yours.  Sharing precedence is the corollary, do not spend undue time on what you cannot control, such as the behavior of others; dwelling on ‘what if’ and ‘if only;’ and obsessing on what happened in the past or what may happen in the future.

It’s not as artless as simply finding the current and swimming in the same direction.  The popular expression from the hippy ‘60’s, “go with the flow,” is too glib to be the end all.  We can join in the effort to effect change by protesting, marching for what we believe is right, using our spending power in support of merchant allies, but for most of us when the day is done and the kids are waiting at day care, the lawn needs mowing and we’re looking forward to the new season of “West World,” it’s time to let go of outcome.

Too often we strive to be in control as if we are gunning for an A-grade on a college course or a graduation diploma that says we’ve completed a curriculum that certifies we’re an expert on living a happy life.  Of course this pursuit creates stress, not peace.  It creates an environment that puts the emphasis on the result we demand rather than the unexpected discoveries that surprise us when we accept the realities of what is. 

The path to clarity about life and one’s place within it, is our grand journey.  But focusing on the construct of our own making prompts us to think in linear terms, as if there were two markers – the start and the end – and everything in between is merely struggle to achieve… a grand journey turned into a long grind.

The ideal as an aspiration is admirable, but not achievable. 

A reasonable expectation is to set short term objectives and long term goals.  That’s a program more apt to lead to where we want to be, fighting for moral certitude at a doable pace, small steps leading to long strides and a growing intelligence replacing the ignorance that prevails.

There are twists and turns to every worthwhile endeavor, and we can be sure that misfortune will greet us along the way.  But often, adversity yields opportunity as we meet the misfortune with options that turn out in our favor.

Be it personal, professional or spiritual, fulfillment comes when the journey absorbs the quest.  Short of being a hallowed guru or revered, personified reflection of spiritual purity, our happiness is determined by the discoveries made as we follow our own path within the flow of life itself.

Clarity – and contentment – comes with recognition that in a universe of one hundred billion galaxies there is no mastery, only mystery.    Do your best to create a healthy loving environment and trust that this is the setting that will light your way.

Stop and go SLOW

Mindfulness is all the vogue nowadays.  Over seven hundred medical centers, hospitals and clinics recommend the practice.  Commonly known as Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR), the yoga/meditation program made popular by Jon Kabat-Zinn almost forty years ago is a common therapeutic application for reducing stress, anxiety and pain, both physical and emotional.

Doctor Zinn’s series of CDs demonstrating Hatha Yoga poses and breathing exercises are sold on-line.  But for those of us who can’t consistently find the necessary forty-five minutes per disc, twelve in all, here is a practical acronym of our own we can easily remember and put to use to help assuage anxious moments and put outwardly pressing issues in perspective by reminding us to reflect before we react.

The value of taking it SLOW – Stop, Listen, Observe and Weave.

Stop –Digital technology makes it possible to react instantaneously to every stimulus that triggers us.  We act impetuously unlike years ago when Ink wells and nibs made for extreme caution and well thought out sentences. Remember the mimeograph? Make a mistake in the stencil and it was a nightmare to correct.  Now we rely on computers, the high speed Internet and a perfunctory Spell-check included in our Word program.  We have fallen into the habit of acting without thinking.  But there is still a price to pay for precipitous decisions that we regret when it is too late to correct them.  To continue the digital reference, before you hit Send, put it in Draft and re-read at a later time.  When the passions are boiling, stop and go slow.

Listen – It takes only a few moments to pause and appraise the opposing viewpoints before making a decision. There are always two sides, and more, to a story. Perhaps you recall the play and film Rashomon in which the same event, a murder involving four individuals, is described in four mutually contradictory ways.  Contested interpretations of events are common as subjectivity and objectivity clash.  Taking time to hear all sides can avoid the lament I often hear in my office, “If only I hadn’t acted so rashly!”  When the opinions and viewpoints are coming from all sides, stop and go slow.

Observe – Besides hearing the argument of others, it’s important to monitor what your personal involvement is, getting a gauge on how much skin you have in the game.  Putting aside emotions allows for rational evaluation and enables you to ask the critical question, “What is my intention?”  Often we come to realize that our motives are not appropriate to the occasion nor to whom we want to be as men and women of integrity and love.  Examine the atmosphere: who really benefits; what’s going on behind the scenes?  To be sure you have the whole story, stop and go slow.

Weave – Typically, events do not occur independently.  There are threads to virtually every narrative.  Together they make the whole.  Similarly, the individual feelings we experience exist in relation to a universe of interrelated events.  In the same way, how we behave in response also will have a ripple effect, influencing others to their benefit or consequence.  Make sure the component clamoring the loudest is not unduly influencing the challenge you are facing; put it in perspective with all the elements that have a role.  When the full view of the picture is not entirely in focus, stop and go slow.

When you find that strong emotions and negative thoughts intrude on your ability to stop and go SLOW, as always I am available to help with their release.

Finding the middle way

Looking at the world today, I am seeing extreme positions. In politics, it’s the Right and the Left, polarized and unyielding regardless of the issue; climate change, gun control, immigration…each side obstinately holding tight to their entrenched belief.

In my office as well, paralleling the political climate, I often hear clients trying to deal with personal, emotional issues from only one side or the other; unwilling to compromise; insisting on all or nothing.  Sadly, with this point of view there is no room for movement toward a satisfactory resolution.

Fortunately there exists an alternative way of ‘thinking,’ literally an approach to how we think!  One of the many brilliant concepts of Kundalini Yoga is that we have three minds: positive, negative and neutral.

It is important not to confuse the capability of the neutral mind with ‘neutrality,’ as in not taking sides.  To the contrary, the neutral, yogic mind absorbs both positions and merges them so as to arrive at a non-inflammatory, middle-ground alternative to extremism on one side or the other.

We need our negative mind to protect us, our positive mind to expand our horizons, and our neutral mind to evaluate the risk/reward of both directions; and to find the middle way.

How do we develop our neutral mind? Followers of Kundalini Yoga have a discipline to guide them, a daily practice of specific meditations.  But all of us can activate our neutral mind and find the forward path that balances right and left.  It requires an exploration of how our personal beliefs were formulated and the release of emotional blocks that keep us irrevocably tied to dogma and ideology. From this exploration the neutral mind – and the middle way – emerges.

I am at your service if you would like to seek insight into the three minds concept – the positive, the negative and the neutral.  Together we can find your own middle way… and the harmony that it brings into your life.

Finding the middle way

Looking at the world today, I am seeing extreme positions. In politics, it’s the Right and the Left, polarized and unyielding regardless of the issue; climate change, gun control, immigration…each side obstinately holding tight to their entrenched belief.

In my office as well, paralleling the political climate, I often hear clients trying to deal with personal, emotional issues from only one side or the other; unwilling to compromise; insisting on all or nothing.  Sadly, with this point of view there is no room for movement toward a satisfactory resolution.

Fortunately there exists an alternative way of ‘thinking,’ literally an approach to how we think!  One of the many brilliant concepts of Kundalini Yoga is that we have three minds: positive, negative and neutral.

It is important not to confuse the capability of the neutral mind with ‘neutrality,’ as in not taking sides.  To the contrary, the neutral, yogic mind absorbs both positions and merges them so as to arrive at a non-inflammatory, middle-ground alternative to extremism on one side or the other.

We need our negative mind to protect us, our positive mind to expand our horizons, and our neutral mind to evaluate the risk/reward of both directions; and to find the middle way.

How do we develop our neutral mind? Followers of Kundalini Yoga have a discipline to guide them, a daily practice of specific meditations.  But all of us can activate our neutral mind and find the forward path that balances right and left.  It requires an exploration of how our personal beliefs were formulated and the release of emotional blocks that keep us irrevocably tied to dogma and ideology. From this exploration the neutral mind – and the middle way – emerges.

I am at your service if you would like to seek insight into the three minds concept – the positive, the negative and the neutral.  Together we can find your own middle way… and the harmony that it brings into your life.

 

Feelings not found in a Hallmark Mother’s Day Card

Mother’s Day can be a challenge for me. A Hallmark Card’s idyllic view of the mother/child relationship doesn’t match the conflicted feelings I learned to associate with my mother when I was a child. Each May, as I went through the motions associated with the tribute, I found it more difficult to pretend the sentiments of the flowery rhymes of the greeting cards applied. My approach was to submerge my feelings and become numb.

Thankfully, my personal work over the years slowly brought these feelings to the surface and for the most part, they have been resolved. But do the feelings ever go away completely? In my office, over and over again I hear about the difficulties existing between mother and child. The common theme relates to a childhood lacking the abundant nurturing that is needed, the result of which is a bedeviling sense of being unlovable no matter what one may do.

I’ve come to think of “mother” as a verb as well as a noun. That definition doesn’t restrict the opportunities for giving and receiving unconditional love to the birth mother. It acknowledges that the essence of “mothering” can be very much present in teachers, friends and mentors whose compassion and caring natures offered comfort to our inner child and inspired our love.

Mother’s Day pays homage to the most influential woman in our lives, but it should also be a tribute to all the women who cared for us and nurtured us along the way, and love us still. It should remind us as well of the significant roles we play – including women who are single by choice or chance – in the lives of the children of all ages for whom we are the verb and not the noun. In truth, we are all lovable, and capable of offering it in abundance.

Open your understanding of who has mothered you and whom you mother. Be grateful for those who offer unconditional love. And most importantly, give that child within you the heartfelt love it deserves.

P.S.

www.momstilllearning.tumblr.com is the link to the posts written by Jenifer Ratner. With a Master’s Degree in Early Childhood Development from the Erikson Institute and a decade of child care as a Nanny, she is starting her practice as a parenting consultant. The short reflections on the challenges of raising her daughter bring grins and welcomed support to moms of all ages and experience. (Full disclosure: Jen is my daughter)

Living in a world gone mad

My husband looked up from the newspaper, a mournful, puzzled look suggesting the question he was to ask was more a request for help than information.

“Arlene, the world has gone mad. I’m reading about the deadly explosions in Brussels, Isis suicide bombings in Istanbul and Somalia, poisonous lead in our water, a tragic plane crash in Russia, rockets fired by North Korea, stabbings in Israel, the worst drought in decades in India and South Africa, the life-threatening Zika virus, rampant racism in our cities and 60 million people in the world at risk of malnutrition. What are we to make of this? How do we live normal, decent lives in the midst of such indifference, brutality and carnage?”

I thought about my answer carefully. Because I knew breakfast tables all around the world were confronting similar questions and how I and they responded would determine the future for generations to come.

My choice is to remain optimistic. For humanity, for our planet, there is no other choice.

I believe in the basic good that exists in all of us. Those who commit the atrocities and acts of monstrous cruelty have taken the space of darkness so we can see and embrace the contrasting light.

We all are products of our particular families, cultures and environments but we have the inner wisdom that guides us to choose our own path. We are facing the eternal questions that our teachers ask each generation of students. Who am I? Where did I come from? Where am I going?

My answer is, I am consciousness; I came from consciousness; I am going back to consciousness.

Let me elaborate on that somewhat austere sentence. There are questions so vast in scope and deep in meaning we simply cannot answer them on our own. We have to put the answer into ‘Spirit’s’ hands or whatever your visualization is for the undetectable but undeniable presence of our Source.

I often do an exercise with my clients to explore their own heart. I ask them to literally do just that, to visualize going into the heart and telling me what they see, sense and feel. For some there is blocked emotion to work through, but ultimately the description is the same: warm, safe and peaceful. Clearly, within all of us, the heart is the source of unconditional love; the core of who we are.

I choose to live with that belief. To do otherwise would be unbearable.

Perhaps you would be interested in exploring your own heart center. Call me to talk further about the process.

With Love and Light,

Arlene Englander, L.C.S.W.
312-236-7636

Replace Rigidity with Compassion and Empathy

As today’s rancorous political climate accentuates, we live in a highly polarized world. The scale reads “Right/Wrong” with acrimony on both ends. This turning of deaf ears to respectful consideration of viewpoints conflicting with our own often spills into our personal lives, influencing the way we make decisions about our relationships and perhaps more detrimental, our own self-worth. When we are rigid about concluding that one side is right and the other side is wrong, the person we adjudge to be right is praised and the person we deem wrong is shamed. In that scenario we must insist on being right because our self esteem demands it.

The danger in needing always to be right is how easily we slide into being self-righteous, which leads to sacrificing love in favor of superiority. In every relationship, be it with loved ones, co-workers, family and friends, at one time or another we will need to make decisions that run counter to another’s point of view. But it is not necessary to justify what we want and need as “Right” or “Wrong.” We do not need to justify taking care of ourselves by condemning other people’s opinions and motives. There is a big difference between setting boundaries and hiding behind being right!

Significantly, what happens when we stop being judgmental and accept others as they are, we allow ourselves to be as we are! What a relief it is to not regard every interaction as a personal challenge; to not feel besieged and guilty if we take a path different than the one they prefer we follow. And most liberating of all, to know we don’t always have to be strong to have true strength of character.

When we don’t see the world as either black or white, being vulnerable does not default to being weak. Quite the contrary; our strength is displayed by our willingness to be exposed; our acknowledgement that yes, there are times when we succumb momentarily to self-doubt and fear. Life is not all one way or the other. Our strength reflects the courage it takes to feel vulnerable when that is the emotion we are experiencing. We are not meant to be superhuman; simply being human will suffice.